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| .what if.What if my life is just one big series of whims? I don't plan things. I rarely even make decisions. I just go with something that seems like it fits, feels right, whatever. What if I'm not in control of myself?
What if this includes more than just day-to-day things. I could be in the wrong school. Some day I might marry a girl who, to me, is flawless, only to realize later that my feelings were only in the moment. Have I ever done anything legitimate in my life? I can't think of one thing I did honest, hard work on from day one that directly benefited my life or the lives of those around me. I can't imagine ever doing that in the future.
Wow.
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I just thought of something. Why don't they put nicotine in something like toothpaste? Or whole-wheat bread. Or water. Or even vitamins. Why aren't we addicted to good things?
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| I'm a selfish person. I'm a hypocrite. I'm a mean person, and I only think about myself. I mean, come one. Every sentence I wrote before this started with 'I'. The thing is, as bad as I can be, I'm nothing compared to some of the really horrible people out there. The problems I think I have compared to those that others go through are like paper cuts compared to amputations. Why can't I ever seem to see the big picture? In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series, there's a... I can't really remember what it was, like a walk-in box kind of thing. Once you go inside, it shows you how vastly, pathetically improbable the slightest chance of our individual existence is. Sometimes I wish I could just kind of witness that and have that image with me at all times. I think too much of my life as a movie with everyone else as side characters instead of real, thinking, breathing, caring, crying, living, dying people. Life is overdramatized what with the news, gossip, and just general interpretations to the point that reality is something that almost no longer exists.
God, I need some sleep. Amen.
ANDREW
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| Things I don't do
Drink, especially to the extent of getting intoxicated
Abuse any kind of substance, legal or illegal
Respect people who do the above
Smoke cigarettes
Do horrible things without feeling guilty
Disrespect my friends
Steal from my friends
Respct my mother like I should
Abuse myself
Try hard enough in my studies
Make up my mind fast enough
Keep all my stuff organized
Hang out with assholes
Like country music
Play games like Bejeweled
Have sex
Respect Trash TV/Magazines
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| .really.I wish I could explain all the things that I can't explain.
I feel like I have so much to say, but I don't know how to talk.
How can I be myself around others when I have no idea what myself is like?
But then, wouldn't everything I do reflect who I am? I mean, how could I not be myself?
I hate it when people say my music or movies or just interests in general suck or blow or whatever they feel like saying. Who the hell are they to say that something is bad? Just because you don't like something, does that give you the right to judge it?
I try to be a good guy. I try. I'm lazy, though. I procrastinate. I feel like devoting the rest of my life to the peace corps or something. That way I could be forced into doing something beneficial for a change.
Compared to all of the things that happen in life, have happened in past lives, and that are happening in the lives of others, my dilemmas with high school and such things seem so trivial. Why can't I always see the big picture? Maybe if I could easily see my life in its miniscule actuality, I would succeed more often. Maybe it would give me the motivation and inspiration I've lacked my whole life.
I wish I had something to fight for. I wish I had something to overcome. They don't make Hallmark channel movies about kids who had a decent life but somehow managed to be depressed and do poorly in school even though they were called smart and were in Gifted. That's not interesting.
Growing up watching movies as much as I did scarred my perceptions I think. I put things in a box. I make people into characters instead of the complex, unique beings they are. The whole country does that. We all try to give people titles, roles, so that way they feel comfortable and familiar.
I believe in God. I believe Jesus was his son and that he died for all of us. Well, I did in the past, and I'm trying to now.
The thing is, if I had been there when he had died, I can't persuade myself to think that I would have believed him then.
If I had been there, if I had lived then, I probably would have shrugged it off as some madman with a mental disorder.
Who knows?
A couple weeks ago, I got mad at my parents. They wanted me to watch a DVD about financial security and planning, and I wouldn't. I don't know why. It scared me, though, because I hadn't acted like that in a long time, and it was just horrifying to know that I could go back to the way I used to be. That wasn't a good Andrew Hankins.
I've never done drugs, drank alcoholic things, or anything like that. I feel so ignorant of that crap, but I really don't care. I'm glad that I have no connection with that kind of junk. It's one of the few things I'm proud of.
It appears I've lost my momentum.
-Andrew
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