| | I wish I could explain all the things that I can't explain.
I feel like I have so much to say, but I don't know how to talk.
How can I be myself around others when I have no idea what myself is like?
But then, wouldn't everything I do reflect who I am? I mean, how could I not be myself?
I hate it when people say my music or movies or just interests in general suck or blow or whatever they feel like saying. Who the hell are they to say that something is bad? Just because you don't like something, does that give you the right to judge it?
I try to be a good guy. I try. I'm lazy, though. I procrastinate. I feel like devoting the rest of my life to the peace corps or something. That way I could be forced into doing something beneficial for a change.
Compared to all of the things that happen in life, have happened in past lives, and that are happening in the lives of others, my dilemmas with high school and such things seem so trivial. Why can't I always see the big picture? Maybe if I could easily see my life in its miniscule actuality, I would succeed more often. Maybe it would give me the motivation and inspiration I've lacked my whole life.
I wish I had something to fight for. I wish I had something to overcome. They don't make Hallmark channel movies about kids who had a decent life but somehow managed to be depressed and do poorly in school even though they were called smart and were in Gifted. That's not interesting.
Growing up watching movies as much as I did scarred my perceptions I think. I put things in a box. I make people into characters instead of the complex, unique beings they are. The whole country does that. We all try to give people titles, roles, so that way they feel comfortable and familiar.
I believe in God. I believe Jesus was his son and that he died for all of us. Well, I did in the past, and I'm trying to now.
The thing is, if I had been there when he had died, I can't persuade myself to think that I would have believed him then.
If I had been there, if I had lived then, I probably would have shrugged it off as some madman with a mental disorder.
Who knows?
A couple weeks ago, I got mad at my parents. They wanted me to watch a DVD about financial security and planning, and I wouldn't. I don't know why. It scared me, though, because I hadn't acted like that in a long time, and it was just horrifying to know that I could go back to the way I used to be. That wasn't a good Andrew Hankins.
I've never done drugs, drank alcoholic things, or anything like that. I feel so ignorant of that crap, but I really don't care. I'm glad that I have no connection with that kind of junk. It's one of the few things I'm proud of.
It appears I've lost my momentum.
-Andrew
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| | Posted 9/25/2006 11:42 PM - 20 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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